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Buch Leseprobe The true Dream of Freedom, Hans Georg van Herste
Hans Georg van Herste

The true Dream of Freedom

Two extraordinary women find their way

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Johanna Hello! I am Johanna. I have always been Johanna and will always be Johanna, although I was baptized on the name of Johannes. As long as I can think of I have been attracted to girls. I had never been a fan of toy cars or a railway set. Now I am twenty years old and have always been a girl and I some-times get annoyed if people ask me how it is to be a girl or how it was to be a boy. No ordinary woman is constantly asked such questions. And I can’t tell how it is to be a boy, because I have never been one, even if my body looked like a boy’s body. Already at the age of three I was very nervous, because I didn’t know what I really was. Then mummy said “Have a look at mummy and have a look at daddy and then you’ll know what you are, a boy.” I screamed and shouted because I didn’t want to be a boy, I was a girl after all. Wasn’t there anybody to realise it? Again and again I insisted on wearing the dresses of my older sisters. My mother was of two minds about it and finally did me the favour. So I could walk around in girls’ dresses in the house and later in the garden, too. All my relatives dismissed it as childish affectations and put my mother under pressure. They thought if she let me come through with this, I would turn out a disturbed child. Some even thought my mother would have preferred to have another daughter and would breed me now in direction girl, just to meet her wishes. That is nothing but trash, of course, but what should you do against ignorance and prejudices in such moments? Mum kept her chin up and attended a psychologist with me. She realised that I was really a girl in a boy’s body. This boosted my morale and mum also had something to hand to face our relationship. Unfortunately this didn’t help much, because our relatives thought that headshrinkers wouldn’t be all there themselves. Those who had to go there were crazy one way or other. A normal person wouldn’t have to consult such people anyway. One day mum explained that I was a girl in a boy’s body and that there would be quite a few of my sort. That made me very happy. Now I wasn’t alone in the whole world any more. Unfortunately I didn’t have any possibility to meet other TS. I had loved to talk to them and asked them how they feel. In the kindergarten I still had to wear trousers. Anxious that anybody would laugh about us, my relatives didn’t allow me to wear dresses or skirts. Although mum tried to make the life of a girl possible for me, she didn’t often succeed. After all she had to bring up five children all in all and it wasn’t possible to be in the centre all the time. Sometimes she was bodily down and out and now and then she com-plained of pain in her back and shoulders. Then I was sent to school and looked forward to the first school day. Now I was able to deal with girls without anybody who might have any objections. In the free time it didn’t always work well. They laughed at me when I played with girls or dolls. But here at school it had to work out somehow, because I was in a class together with many girls. Unfortunately this turned out to be a wrong conclusion, they laughed at me as well as at home. In 1996 my mother’s pain became that bad that she had to consult a doctor. He sent her to a pain therapist. That’s how she met Hans Georg van Herste. During the treatments both of them got into conversation and mum told him about me. He immediately was ready to talk to me and thus I met him, too. The psychologist we had consulted before thought that I was a girl, but wasn’t ready to support further steps. This was different with Mr van Herste. He didn’t laugh at me, but talked to me like to an ordinary girl. Secretly I had already changed my name into Johanna, al-though everybody addressed me by Johannes. My new psychological adviser never called me Johannes and I liked it very much. He thought that I should have a girl’s name as quickly as possible. This suited me well of course. So from now on I was Johanna inwardly and outwardly. I liked it very much that he showed me pictures of TS. Now I had seen others like me for the first time in my life. They all looked quite normal and I was glad about it. Some of them looked a little masculine, they had a breast and wore skirts, but somehow I didn’t like their appearance. I wanted to become a pretty woman. Then Mum, Mr van Herste and I had very many talks. Mum went there alone several times, because she was under such a pressure of our relatives that she was completely at a loss. Whenever she came back from him, she was a bit more relaxed. One day she asked me whether I was really sure that I was a girl. I explained her that I was even very sure. I didn’t understand her question. She knew quite well that I was a girl. Then she came out with the good news. She told me she had talked to Mr van Herste several times. So she had come to the conclusion that I was old enough to show up as a girl in public. She would even allow me to go to school as a girl if I wanted to. On the one hand I cheered inwardly, on the other hand I got very much frightened. Would I be even more laughed at or excluded? I turned it over in my mind. I didn’t know what to do. Mum didn’t say anything more on that topic. She left me completely alone. She never tried to tear me in one direction or the other. I hovered between joy and fear. But then I decided to live as a girl. Mr van Herste explained me that I had to be very sure and had to have a lot of courage to be able to have my coming-out during school time and I should think twice before. I didn’t understand what they were arguing about. I was a girl, didn’t they still realize it? I told both of them that I was bound and terminated to live as a girl from now on. Mr van Herste told me that I had to wait for some time, because my coming-out had to be prepared properly.

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